that's what penises do
they tell lies.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They are going to name an STD after you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
