after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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