I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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