remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
