I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
