alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
