i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
