Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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