genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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