There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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