The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
