I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
