I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
