i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
