I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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