john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
