The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
