your parents love me but you hate me
Your tits are I can't wait for
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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