We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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