I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
