if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize