Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I love you.
Bad choice
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
