i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
