Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
