Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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