Four minutes until I can fart!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm both gender and math confused
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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