So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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