I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
God, I missed his penis.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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