Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
