I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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