Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
