this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
