girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
