i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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