You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
