separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Found your dick twin last night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
