I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
