During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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