I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize