i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
