this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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