South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
