I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
