Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
