I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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