someone get that fucking seahorse.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
