These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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