I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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