First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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