She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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