The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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