I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
