I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
