Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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