did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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