the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
