She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
