people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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