Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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