at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
