she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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