I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
