he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
