I haven't been this sober since birth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
