i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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