Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
