one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
