I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wish there were birth control emojis
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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