Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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