U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
In America we eat man semen.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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