I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
