It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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